Sunday, April 29

Endgame

Yesterday, i wrapped up all college obligations pertaining to engineering.
All done. Ask an engineering undergrad, and you will know its significance. The word "Term End" has a certain parole type feeling to it. Especially in the final year. It signifies a closure. An end to mundane clerical exercises of writing journals, assignments, term tests, oral examinations, vivas and projects. End of the great 'tamasha' that you silently witness, detest and contribute to, in four supposedly fruitful years of your life. Except, that in most cases, these years aren't too fruitful. For me personally, it has been a drag. A loss of personal estimate. I have lost myself in these four years. I have found new things, but lost myself doing strange things in the 'system'.

So, i walked out of college, inhaling fire under the hot sun at the sector 5 bus-stop. Living out my fifteen minutes of nostalgia. Looking straight ahead, slightly above the mirage , i could see the 2.05 pm local sprinting ,to make it to the station at sector3 on time. There would have been people from my college, sprinting towards the station themselves. They couldnt afford to miss the local. It was the vital link that would help them on their way to the far flung northern suburbs, outside of Bombay. I could barely relate to these people in four years of college, we were more or less on the same path for four years, but we came from paths that were way too different, and would probably head out on paths that wont be the same. Yet we shared a cultivated familiarity and a relation that could best be crystallised as 'symbiotic'. Symbiosis is productive basis for relationships, but for four years, and for the better or worse, it was the only thing we could touch base on.
And here i was.
Confused between nostalgia and relief.
Returning to the comfortable and familiar environs of the western suburbs, while they would head for their further flunged homes that were possibly at that hot hour, and probably a few more.. sweating it out in 8 hours of regulation power cuts.
While my way back home would have me cross a bridge, they would always be to me, on the other side of the bridge. Literally and metaphorically.

I could have taken a lift back home. I chose to catch a bus instead. I'd miss this transit. I'd miss my solitude and anonymity on my way back home in the bus. I'd miss my 'thinktime'. By the time i was crossing the beautiful Powai lake and inching closer home, i was trying to sum up this whole engineering expedition.

Fifteen minutes of nostalgia, after four years of engg.. well, its more than i had bargained for.
Back home, slowly cooling off with a litre of lemonade, having the privilege of electricity and airconditioning at this hour, i gathered my take on these four years.

While still unsure, from a shop of shoes, i chose one. This shoe wasn't for me. But i could only tell once i wore it. I wish i could before. I squeezed, twisted and tried hard, just to fit in.
The shoe was tight, and not quite right. My feet turned sore, and bruised by the shoebites.
I kept walking. I had no other shoe. This shoe had its path, i must have been lost walking it. For four years i walked to get to this day. The first two years the shoe was really harsh on the foot. The shoe slowly, loosened a bit in the later years, my feet stopped bruising, but they still hurt. I kept walking. My feet were sore but i walked alright, maybe a different path, but i walked well. My feet would have turned smelly inside them shoes for four years. But today, i have reached, almost where i had set out for. I have endured this choice of a shoe, and now i can take my shoe off. The path ends. My feet are free. They can go where they want to be.
Now i can discard this shoe and heal its bruises.
This shoe is engineering.

Tuesday, April 17

Jimbo

"I believe in a long prolonged derangement of the senses to attain the unknown... Although I live in the subconscious, our pale reason hides the infinite from us. "

- Jim Morrison


Wednesday, April 11

Quarter life crisis

The ideas are drying up, while the ones left are ragged repetitions that lack insight, relevance and freshness. While i reconcile with silence, lets archive this sweet mail i recd a few days back.

Being Twenty-Something
by Brenda Della Casa

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get
scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.


You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot don't seem as fun. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

For your twenty-something friends... maybe this will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion...

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

It's really amazing when two strangers become the best of friends, but it is really sad when the best of friends become two strangers.

Sunday, April 1

blues they come and go..
the ones that remain turn indigo.