Saturday, February 23
Well. Let's look at it this way. You fall in love a million tim and then you fall in love forever. Sometimes it happens before the million times, sometimes a lot after. When it does, you know how every other time was an illusion well bought with ardent belief. I wonder if people do fall in love twice. I can only wonder till i do. In truth, having recently been on the other side of the fence, i have no doubt that love expands your heart.. however untrue it may be. The more the love, the larger you expand, the more you feel. Happiness and sorrow. Euphoria and pain. Sometimes i wondered if i was ever capable of feeling so much. Wondered if anyone who isn't me would ever impact me so immensely. Snatch away my individuality and help me discover myself. Now i know what worrying is. What it feels like and how crippling it can be. How i react to it. I've worried a million times before, not for someone. Not so much. Now i know which shades of green the monster can take. I always thought was inert to jealousy. Too humble for pride, but now, not so much. Now i know what fear of loss is. Why it invokes fear. Feelings lay hidden in my heart but now in it's magnified avatar, emotions aren't masked by my ego anymore. Nor by my ignorance. I like seeing myself this way. The enlarged heart now feels a gamut of emotions that otherwise passed by as insignificant meanderings of my mind. And so i discover myself. I'm not defining forevers here, i wish i could but i cant. Love doesn't stop once you start giving. It doesn't wait for the recieving bit. Maybe when it starts waiting, and it is a 'maybe' i wish is bereft of possibility, i'll discover another dimension to myself. Like i thought i had done before. Thought. Not felt.
Wednesday, February 20
I think i love you too, even if i'm unsure if i do. You deserve much better really. See, the truth is, confusion is my best friend. It's always with me, even when i need it the least. It's just like you. Constant. The moment i think i'm sorted, i think otherwise. And then i'm sorted till i think otherwise. Which isn't too wise. But we're getting there. Me and my halves. And half of every half. A process of mulitplicity that started with every divided cell. So when i go to sleep at night, i don't know who'll wake up in the morning. And in the morning i don't know who slept last night. And there's nothing i don't like about this. I love it. It's a flux that's fluid, unchained and beyond all scopes of stagnation. Gives me the diminutive sense of being human that we all so desperately seek. To not remember nothing, just things i want to. But you are constant. Even in your change. I think it's good. You'll always remind me of myself, but let me come back to you someday. Please. Even when if i'm being a complete idiot. You see, it's only space i wanted. Don't call it distance.
What i said instead:
Te quiero muchisimo
Had written it before i fell in love. I'm still falling and falling so hard. Love is such a wonderful magnifying glass. It really enlarges every bit of you. Magnifies. Every emotion, every characteristic, every strength and every weakness as you see yourself clearly in it's light. Discover yourself a bit more and know yourself a lot better. I'm still in awe of what it can do to you. I thought i'd get used to it after half a year but i'm only growing in disbelief every passing day. Find a better word for Wow. Perhaps Whoa.. or better still, tacit silence. God was never explained in verbose and all such attempts at love are futile.
And now i want no space, no distance. How love changes it all. Forever. Irrevocably. Even if it isn't meant forever. Even if it is.