Saturday, February 23

..

Lets take some salt and some sugar. Put them in a glass. Soak them with water. Love. Some more till the glass can hold no more and stir. Which is salt and which is sugar? No one knows, no one can tell. A perfect blend where you lose yourself completely, dissolved as it were in love. And then the love goes away. You think it'll dry up and leave the salt and sugar separable from each other. But it doesnt. The sugar will always remain a bit tangy, and the salt never as much again. How then do you discover yourself when you are lost completely, when you don't know where one ends from the other, twined and tangled and merged, alloyed into jewellery that isn't ornate anymore. What then? How do you discover yourself?
Well. Let's look at it this way. You fall in love a million tim and then you fall in love forever. Sometimes it happens before the million times, sometimes a lot after. When it does, you know how every other time was an illusion well bought with ardent belief. I wonder if people do fall in love twice. I can only wonder till i do. In truth, having recently been on the other side of the fence, i have no doubt that love expands your heart.. however untrue it may be. The more the love, the larger you expand, the more you feel. Happiness and sorrow. Euphoria and pain. Sometimes i wondered if i was ever capable of feeling so much. Wondered if anyone who isn't me would ever impact me so immensely. Snatch away my individuality and help me discover myself. Now i know what worrying is. What it feels like and how crippling it can be. How i react to it. I've worried a million times before, not for someone. Not so much. Now i know which shades of green the monster can take. I always thought was inert to jealousy. Too humble for pride, but now, not so much. Now i know what fear of loss is. Why it invokes fear. Feelings lay hidden in my heart but now in it's magnified avatar, emotions aren't masked by my ego anymore. Nor by my ignorance. I like seeing myself this way. The enlarged heart now feels a gamut of emotions that otherwise passed by as insignificant meanderings of my mind. And so i discover myself. I'm not defining forevers here, i wish i could but i cant. Love doesn't stop once you start giving. It doesn't wait for the recieving bit. Maybe when it starts waiting, and it is a 'maybe' i wish is bereft of possibility, i'll discover another dimension to myself. Like i thought i had done before. Thought. Not felt.

F#

The strings that once sung words when strummed, now lie derelict in rust. My voice has drowned somewhere in this mental noise. Am i writing too little or am i writing too much? Will words help me find myself again or will i remain lost for words?

Wednesday, February 20

Myocardial Infarction

I think i love you too, even if i'm unsure if i do. You deserve much better really. See, the truth is, confusion is my best friend. It's always with me, even when i need it the least. It's just like you. Constant. The moment i think i'm sorted, i think otherwise. And then i'm sorted till i think otherwise. Which isn't too wise. But we're getting there. Me and my halves. And half of every half. A process of mulitplicity that started with every divided cell. So when i go to sleep at night, i don't know who'll wake up in the morning. And in the morning i don't know who slept last night. And there's nothing i don't like about this. I love it. It's a flux that's fluid, unchained and beyond all scopes of stagnation. Gives me the diminutive sense of being human that we all so desperately seek. To not remember nothing, just things i want to. But you are constant. Even in your change. I think it's good. You'll always remind me of myself, but let me come back to you someday. Please. Even when if i'm being a complete idiot. You see, it's only space i wanted. Don't call it distance.

What i said instead:

Te quiero muchisimo

Had written it before i fell in love. I'm still falling and falling so hard. Love is such a wonderful magnifying glass. It really enlarges every bit of you. Magnifies. Every emotion, every characteristic, every strength and every weakness as you see yourself clearly in it's light. Discover yourself a bit more and know yourself a lot better. I'm still in awe of what it can do to you. I thought i'd get used to it after half a year but i'm only growing in disbelief every passing day. Find a better word for Wow. Perhaps Whoa.. or better still, tacit silence. God was never explained in verbose and all such attempts at love are futile.

And now i want no space, no distance. How love changes it all. Forever. Irrevocably. Even if it isn't meant forever. Even if it is.

An interrupted swansong

There was a time i'd write here each day. Almost. Or well, one in two days and at worst once a week. When an oasis runs dry, travelers don't stop by anymore. A thirst once united us wanderers on the sliding dunes of mind. Our sunsets were the same, so were our sunrises. Different only in it's scattering of light. Now i sit by these arid dunes that change shape with the winds of life. Yeah, sounds like a Scorpion song but isn't quite. Like this blog. It isn't quite what it was. Anymore. There is a circle of palm trees around a hollow. Balding palm trees with drying trunks. A withering shade of brown that once was black and green. There could have been. An oasis. In the desert you can't be sure of anything. I'm holding on to my thirst. And hope. That words will flow again and thoughts would glide on them. Now everything is a strain. I'm not out of time i guess, just out of patience. Sometimes when i look back at these posts i wonder if i should have written them at all. It's like looking at a shadow and trying to trace it's meaning. Pure penumbra with soft edges that merge into darkness. Darkness unto darkness unlit by mind. I wonder if i was better off not writing than being lost for words. But i want to write. To read. Maybe i'll hold on to my thirst and hope these trickling drops that are hammered into vapour by sunrays will soon flow to the surface in greater numbers. One can always dig Artesian wells, but it's not quite the oasis. I'm sitting with my thirst and wondering if there's a water table beneath. If there ever was.